Female client of male MT with severe arousal problem

by Elaine
(Santa Cruz, Ca)

I know this is supposed to be a space for male MTs to ask questions, but I would like some insight into this. I am a woman who has been a client of my MT for 6 years, on and off. Usually we have weekly massages for periods of months or a year, followed by a break for a year or two.

My problem is this: I am aroused to the point of full-body near-orgasm the entire hour and a half of the massage and, what's worse, for about three days and nights thereafter, during which I obsessively fantasize about him and get no sleep whatsoever. Even a fleeting thought of him during the few days after the massage sends me into orgasm.

The massage is Thai-style, in other words, clothed on the floor.

I know all about transference issues but can't see through them here. I have the delusion that I am in love with this person. He is physically stunningly beautiful (in a natural sort of hippie way), very smart and sensitive, spiritual, and very young (much younger than me). He is seemingly unaware of his effect on me, although this I'm not sure about.

I am in a quandary. Am I being dishonest not to say anything about this? On the other hand, would saying something make it seem like I'm coming on to him (something I'd never do mainly, to be honest, only because I know I'm way too old for him)?

Should I stop the massages even though they benefit me physically (including health-wise), emotionally (makes me feel alive), and spiritually (makes me feel connected to the universe and God through him)? What would you MTs want in this situation?

I'm tying myself in knots over this. I can't bring myself to tell him about it in order to make him do other things that would stop the feelings. I want and enjoy these feelings too much.

Thanks for any insight.

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Jan 03, 2010
to Raul again
by: Elaine

Thanks for not misunderstanding my comment!

Wow, I find it hard to believe that some massage schools don't teach that arousal is a common result of massage - the parasympathetic nerve activation, etc. I thought this was common knowledge and that MTs are taught to understand and deal with this. (Even I learned about it during the few classes I had at a shiatsu school a few years ago...and when I googled about it a couple of months ago, it was mentioned in all the ethics books about how this is so common, etc...)

I guess the state of the art keeps progressing and eventually more people will become informed and not so freaked out by it. :-)

Jan 02, 2010
ps Elaine
by: Raul Alberto

No, no do not worry i did not take it the wrong way.

What i was implying is that if a female lmt is working on a client who just shows signs of arousal(you know what i mean) that does not necessarily present a danger. If he just is relaxed in the massage session and did not make a comment, or insinuate anything then it is just possible that is just a natural response to massage and he is just relaxed.

Yet i know of females who would immediately end the session because a man showed physical signs of arousal, even if that was just a physical sign which happens they would stop the massage. I am simply seeing it from a male lmt point of view, and im constantly learning things that massage school never taught me nor did any of my colleagues, male or female bothered to enlighten me on.

That being said, i have learned to not be so nervous about small things. I used to be scared to even work the lower body/glutes or even do an assessment on a female if she wore short shorts.

Ive lightened up and am less afraid now.

Jan 02, 2010
by: Elaine

I'm not saying all men are mad rapists. Hope you understood my comment...just that a man who is a stranger becoming aroused could reasonably scare a female MT, especially if he makes any comments about it that indicate he might want or expect to act on it because of not realizing the bounds of massage therapy. Whereas a woman client, even if equally aroused (and equally clueless), could not overpower and thus could not scare a male MT.


Jan 02, 2010
in all fairness to women LMTs...
by: Elaine

Hi again Raul,

And thanks once again for your supportive comments!

I just want to say that in fairness to women MTs, I think it's different for them if a man becomes aroused, because it could actually present them with a dangerous situation. I say that as a woman, imagining myself as an MT with a man who is a stranger to me and becomes aroused. Without a lot of experience I think I might feel scared. I think it's different if a women client gets turned on during a session with a male MT because he's not in any danger.

Anyway, happy new year and thanks again for all your support!


Jan 02, 2010
arousal in massage session..continued
by: Raul Alberto

Well its good to know that your therapist is not one who gets scared so easily. I had went to class with several female lmts who im sure the first moment a male client showed signs of arousal they would dismiss the client and end the session.

I do believe that part of being a male lmt means that you are forced to be more professional, be more intuitive, be better in technique, all that and more.

That being said, i am glad to hear that your male lmt works in such a manner that he displays a professionalism about things. Just remember, its one thing to be aroused, its what one does with that afterwards that shows if you can maintain a client/therapist relationship.

Best of luck to you.

Dec 13, 2009
an update - me and my male MT
by: Elaine

This is just a little update on the situation:

Sean was right that if I got over this arousal situation I could channel it elsewhere. I've been so - well, there's no other way to put it than "horny," although I like to call it "sensually awakened" - that after the discussion with my MT about it, and realizing he doesn't care one way or the other and that I won't ever "get anywhere" with him, Yahoo! Personals I went onto an online dating site, mainly out of sheer desperation.

Well, within five days I've had dozens of responses. I've already had four dates (two in one day, a couple of days ago) and have two more dates lined up, including one MT turned chef (and one vice versa) and at least one guy I'm seeing again. And that's not mentioning all the online chats. This is very time-consuming!

My conclusion is that sexual arousal from massage CAN be a good thing. Mine had been underground for so long that this has really been a healing process for me, especially knowing that it's so safe and that he is so ethical. And I've realized that it's me that's the sexy one - he was just the right person to bring this out in me. :-)

I thought this might interest you guys. Thanks for all the help and advice here.


Dec 03, 2009
thanks Raul - appreciate this
by: Elaine (OP)

Thanks, Raul. This is much appreciated and is the most intelligent reply I've received yet.

As it turns out, my MT is also well-versed in these matters. We had a discussion about it. He understands that this is a common response and he didn't make me feel bad about it at all. He just seems to be a total "body person" and is not phased by this, positive or negative. It's all the same to him and he has gone on giving me great massages.

I think this may fade over time. He's very "safe" for me and allows me to relax.

Nov 28, 2009
response to your question
by: Raul alberto

Well, i am not going to go the way that some may have gone here by getting mad, because im not even mad. Arousal in massage happens, yet what is done with that and how you address it that shows if your client/therapist relationship can continue. If anything just take this as a learning experience and if you can one day not see your massage therapist that way then you can restart a client/therapist relationhip.

I for one am in therapist mode when i do massage so i can see how easily a massage therapist may easily not see what is going on with that client. That being said, i do not fault you, and apologize on behalf of those previous posters who could not see your point of view and got caught up with their emotions, which no professional massage therapist, be they male of female should do.

Best of luck to you,

Raul Alberto lmt

Nov 05, 2009
thank you, Sean
by: Elaine


Thank you for taking the time to advise me. This is excellent advice and I will do it this way. You're right, I need to end this. It's not healthy for either of us.

I was very surprised that even you doubted my story and couldn't figure out what made people doubt me. But what you said about Thai massage made me realize what may seem incomprehensible on the outside. Perhaps you'd be interested in the below YouTube video on Thai massage (which is very on the up-and-up). If you do, and if you watch it to the end, try to imagine that the MT doing these things to me is someone to whom I was very attracted from the very start. And this video, of necessity (being subject to YouTube's 10-minute limit), shows only some of the moves. There is one move where the MT is literally climbing on me from the back with his full weight (knees on my thighs, hands on my back, with which he "walks" up and down).

These are all well-known, legitimate thai massage moves. I know this because I took some massage classes myself, once upon a time when I was thinking about going into the field. I had the Thai course before I met this MT. This was years ago. I remember thinking at the time that it was surprisingly intimate. Little did I realize how it would affect me years later with someone I'm very attracted to. It's not the local, strictly anatomical effect. I think the effect on me, with this particular person, is due to the warmth, the almost comforting quality of the body contact, and the weight.

I don't know if a link will come through on this site, but here it is:
Thai Massage Video on Youtube

Anyway, thanks again for your help. I'm sorry if I disparaged some of your members. They were doing the best they could and perhaps they were angry in general at women who want sex from massages. I don't consider myself one of those.


p.s. Oddly, the verification word on my post here is LIBIDO. You probably don't believe that, either. I almost can't believe it myself. What a coincidence...lol

Nov 05, 2009
Give You the Benefit of the Doubt
by: Sean

OK. Having read your post a few times, I am going to have to agree there are some aspects of your story that appear suspect, however, because we know no better, we will have to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume your question is genuine.

That being said, my advice to you to seek help from outside sources, most probably professional services of some kind. At the very least, you have created one side of a relationship which presents as an ethical issue, but is most likely on it's way to becoming a full-blown ethical dilemma for the poor therapist.

I understand people are people. Confusion of roles of the people in which we interact is a common unwise road travelled. While I personally would have some doubt as to the probability of a woman nearing orgasm from Thai massage, I will concede I am not a woman nor can I even come close to understanding how the female body and mind operates. So I will just have to take your word for it.

Regardless, your arousal presents a much more complicated aspect than just an ethical dilemma. The reason I made suggestion to seek professional help is that it appears what started out as a clearly therapuetic relationship, is now a relationship of a type of dependency. While your male therapist may fit the bill to meet these not so unusual needs that you have, what is unusual is that you have a male MASSAGE therapist unsuspectingly providing them for you.

Unless you suspect differently with your therapist, his intentions are most likely to provide massage services for money. Perhaps he is also nice, smart and a great conversationalist. That's okay. We are paid to be nice, too.

The fact you "obsessively fantasize about him and get no sleep whatsoever" is clearly a danger sign in this therapuetic relationship. Your resistance to NOT wanting to come clean with your feelings by talking to the therapist is a clear indication of the dependency you have developed.

Write him a letter breaking the therapuetic relationship. Confess the feeling you have experienced throughout the years recieving his services. Apologize for any transgressions you may have committed against him, intentional and unintentional.

Lastly, Seek professional help, even if just a "Life Coach". You deserve to be on the path of finding fufillment from inside yourself, and not as a result of the depedency of the services of others.

Who knows, once your head is straight and your heart is clear, you may actually attract a romantic partner (who also shares some of the attractive attributes of your male therapist) and with whom you could have a bonfide personal relationship.

Good luck.

Nov 05, 2009
"looking at both sides"
by: Elaine

You're "looking at both sides," meaning the side that (a) I'm lying and (b) I'm telling the truth? LOL. That's not looking at both sides.

I don't know about the rest of you here but I can say definitively that none of you posting so far has even a tenth the brains of my MMT.

As far as my original question, I've learned more about my situation by googling and finding books on MT and ethics
than from any of the hounding I've received here from you about how I need to "come clean" with my MMT.

No offense, either.


Nov 05, 2009
Followup to Response to Female client....
by: Anonymous

Please keep one thing in mind: I made my comments with the intent of addressing both positions whether you actually are Elaine or are the MT posing as Elaine (as some male MT's have been known to do in the past)....AND, also remember that in Elaine's initial Comment, the VERY LAST STATEMENT was: "Thanks for any insight."
To me that says you will be prepared for ANY FEEDBACK, REGARDLESS of the approach or answer.

No offense intended, just looking at both sides.
Thank you.

Nov 04, 2009
shocked, hurt, and retreating
by: Elaine

I bared my soul here hoping for some insight and instead all I get is anger and repeated accusations of lying. This is incomprehensible to me. Is it because you MMTs (with the obvious exception, at least, of the moderator, who approved my post) believe that a woman can't be as aroused as a male by massage? Or is it because, in an attempt to maintain some dignity and propriety, I failed to be explicit enough to make my "story" believable?

I'm sorry I ever posted. If you all are the kind of shining examples of sensitive male massage therapists, no wonder you are having trouble with the profession.

Nov 04, 2009
by: MMT

i have read and read what you have wrote but i just cant believe any of it. sorry...

if a man was to get aroused during a massage yes it would show. and things would stop, and should stop.

if a woman was to have the same feelings come up, it is not as noticeable. you should have ended it right there, unless thats what you wanted...

i am really kinda mad right now after reading all of this,
so i am going to stop here.

Nov 04, 2009
I am the OP
by: Elaine

I don't understand why the commenter suspected me of being someone else. However, I understand (I think) his advice: come clean with my body's response to what has been going on and let the MT decide whether or not to continue the sessions.

Are there any suggestions as to how to broach this delicate subject? I've intended to do it so many times and simply can't find the words. Once I see him, the feelings start up and/or I become bashful. My mind goes in a thousand different directions, the intended "confession" starts to strike me as sleazy, and I end up saying nothing again.

It's hard to say no to a piece of chocolate cake that you know is imminently forthcoming and that saying "no" to is incredibly difficult anyway. Aren't there MTs here who know their female clients are aroused and are just "OK" with it (and where neither party intends it to go beyond that)? I've heard that elsewhere but wonder if it is actually true. I've also heard that male clients (of either sex MT) get erections and that MT's are taught that this, along with transference, "just happens" and not to worry about it. Isn't this a similar situation? Isn't it OK to just keep floating along like this, enjoying it but not saying anything? Or is it really sleazy and dishonest of me?

I find the accusatory response to my post harsh (because, first of all, the accusation of dishonesty on my part) and therefore am less inclined to simply swallow the rest of the advice there, as well-intended as it might be. I doubt this forum is intended for any dialogue so this is the last time I will post.

Thank you.

Nov 03, 2009
Response to Female client
by: Anonymous

IMHO, there is one simple answer to this question whether you actually ARE the "Female client of male MT...." or are the subject male MT writing your question(s) as the Female CLIENT-IMPOSTOR:

Come truthful and honest with your counterpart and explain what's happening during your sessions. If the MT is a professional or the female client is mature, that respective person should make the appropriate decision whether or not to continue with the sessions based on the respective physical boundaries that exist.

Regardless of the aroused gender's position, I suspect that the person experiencing the arousal exhibits some outwardly evident physical movements (i.e., heavier/rapid breathing, exaggerated body movements, etc) during the sessions so as to be visually apparent to the other person so it should NOT come as too much of a surprise when you have your confidential chat.

Make the correct, professional, mature choice in either case for all concerned

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